The Front Page

Welcome to the Front Page, the digital cover of the Wayne Press.  Here we will share with you things that can't be captured in our newsletter--videos, music, color photographs--as well as articles that reflect on faith and life.  

 

A Few Easy Steps to the Perfect Life

You too can have the perfect life by following these easy steps:

Don’t eat too much. Eat mostly plants. Get plenty of protein. Don’t drink. Drink two to three alcoholic drinks a day and cut your risk of heart attack by 30 percent. Two to three drinks a day might make you an alcoholic. Eat dark chocolate. Never eat sugar. Calorie restriction leads to longer lives in lab mice. Calorie restriction leads to malnutrition. Eat organic foods, hormone-free, preferably local. Local foods are produced in areas of significant ground pollution. Organic labels don’t mean a lack of pesticides. In short, eat a chemical-free, local vegan diet, protected by pesticides, with plenty of lean meats from somewhere other than here.

Exercise for thirty minutes every day. Skip days for rest. Walking is just as effective as running for health. Aerobic exercise is best for long term health--and losing weight. Don’t yo-yo diet. 83% of dieters gain more weight back, but lose that weight now it's bad for you. Aerobic exercise doesn’t help you lose weight as much as training with weights. It improves bone density and leads to greater injury.

Whatever you do, sleep 8 hours a day.

Drink plenty of water. Don’t drink water out of plastic. It will poison you. Don’t drink too much water. It can poison you. Don’t drink unfiltered water--too much bacteria. Avoiding germs means you won’t have a robust immune system. Keep hydrated in your run, but don’t run it will ruin your knees. Ingest just the right levels of bacteria in your water while you run. Here’s a product that will filter your water from unknown purities and then release known levels of bacteria back into it. (I made that last product up, but some of you thought, ‘Is that real?’ Can I get that?’)

Take aspirin, it might save you from a heart attack. Never take aspirin, you might bleed to death! And by the way, this medicine which prevents high blood pressure has been known in some cases to increase your blood pressure.

Save for the future. Save for your kid’s education. How will your kid be able to save for their kid’s future if you don’t send them to a good enough school? Save for your retirement. Save money for unforeseen catastrophes. Don’t dip into your own savings. Don’t ever borrow. You can’t get a good credit score if you don’t borrow. Cut up your credit cards. Credit spurs the economy. Risk is the essence of capitalism. Save for everything because everything is going to be awful, so don’t risk anything. People experience greater happiness when giving money away. But you can’t trust non-profits. You can’t trust the government. Keep paying social security even though social security won’t be around. Whatever you do, save for your future, unless you actually want to be financially secure than risk it all in investments.

Have a social conscience. Recycle!  Support Local. Be globally minded. Buy American. Don’t buy Apple. Apple creates working conditions that makes its employees commit suicide. Apple employees commit suicide less often than the general public. Apple is evil. Coke is evil. Don’t drink Coke. Why? Independent Coke bottlers in Colombia once, allegedly, maybe, conspiratorially broke unions in a profoundly unjust manner. Coke sucks up all the water in developing nations. No, not that: Don’t drink Coke because of the evils of high fructose corn syrup. High Fructose Corn Syrup is going to kill everyone!

Drink sugar instead.

Don’t drink sugar. Drink water, but not from plastic and not too clean, and it’s probably better that you risk your liver and drink three glasses of red wine a day. Just like Jesus did. You may not have a heart attack then. Buy American--but from reputable companies that don’t put their workers in danger. Oh look, that shirt I want is half off. That’s good for the poor. You mean the poor who work in unsafe factories that made the shirt--until they lost their jobs?  

Have all the right opinions:  It’s Bush’s fault. It’s Obama’s fault. It’s the fault of immigrants. Don’t let them in. Guns kills people. People kill people. Immigrants kill people. Paper disproves Spock, and as it always has, Rock crushes scissors. It’s Nadar’s fault if you really think about it. Immigrants provide a needed work base. 8% unemployment! Spock was an immigrant.  Raise taxes--everything will be great if the government does it. Birth control is unamerican, lock your doors, and don’t sleep with the window open--you might get pregnant.  Practice safe sleeping.  Better yet, practice sleep abstinence. 

But whatever you do get 8 hours.  

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Jesus said, “There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.” 

Posted by Casey Thompson at 9:30 AM
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